I wrote this for a class I’m taking right now. It is a satirical paper. I believe it makes the point that I have been trying to get across for years. I hope you laugh, but well, you’ll see.
There has been an increasingly heated debate growing in the United States and around the world. The discourse is concerning old-growth forests. Are forests worth saving or should they be used by wood pulp industries for the good of the consumer’s rear? Overly concerned environmentalists have gone to extraordinary lengths to save ancient trees and the surrounding ecosystems. The environmentalists, or tree huggers, have never once considered the poor state of the delicate derrieres that would be left with less than the best toilet paper available to humankind.
As a life long toilet paper user, I have first-hand knowledge of how disappointing a poor quality toilet paper can be. I’ve been using toilet paper for 40 years and my rear knows the difference between quality, old-growth toilet paper and cheap, young-tree paper. The poor toilet paper consumer, how can environmentalists expect them to use anything less than the silkiest toilet paper? In a world with so many hardships it is unconscionable to expect the toilet paper user not to have the softest toilet paper for their derriere. How can they be expected to use recycled or new-growth paper? Those young trees just do not have the luxurious long fibers of the old-growth trees. These poor asses deserve the best. The delicate asses must fight for their toilet paper rights. Does not the Declaration of Independence guarantee Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness? Does not the softest toilet paper create such happiness?
The answer is clear. To end all debate, we should simply remove the forests in question. If the old-growth forests are all gone then, we will have nothing to debate. The wood can then be stockpiled for future toilet paper production. Plus, if all the old-growth forests are clearcut it will be an easier and cheaper process than selective cutting. There will be no need to tiptoe around and be meticulous in tree cutting.
We will have to be conservative minded to stretch out the timber for as long as possible. Making it last for this generation is the most urgent task. As a matter of fact, we need to conserve this premium toilet paper for ourselves alone. We do not want to share this toilet paper with future generations because that could reduce the amount available to us.
With these troublesome trees out of the way, the environmentalists will be able to focus on other issues and leave the toilet paper consumer alone. The wood pulp industry can also go on with the business of cutting trees without continually addressing lawsuits and public relation issues. The same is true for the lumberjacks. The lumberjacks will not have to worry about coming across tree huggers chained to or seated on top of trees. The lumberjacks will not have to be discriminating in tree removal. They can chop everything down at once. It will be a win-win situation for all involved.
Some people might say that removing old-growth forests is damaging to the environment, but do we know that? A forest is a forest. The animals will adapt. If the animals cannot adapt, well, then maybe they just do not deserve to survive. Other environmentalists scream about the energy and water used to make TP from old-growth forests. That is what America is about. We are consumers. Using all that water and energy creates productivity and jobs.
The tree huggers note that we should use recycled paper instead of virgin, old-growth timber. Yuck! I think it is disgusting to use recycled anything. I do not want some old stuff. I want pristine, pure, virgin pulp for my behind, nothing but the best. I do not care if millions of gallons of water, tons of CO2 and countless megawatts can be saved. The next generation can worry about that. The TP user has become accustomed to a certain level of comfort and softness, and cannot be expected to give that up and learn to use less than downy toilet paper. The next generation can be brought up on this coarse paper, and they will never know the difference.
Chopping down all the old-growth forests is the only solution to this debate. The happiness and comfort of the toilet paper user is the top priority. The profits to the wood pulp industry and timber industry are a beneficial by-product of this proposal as well.